closer to gOd
by Ferdinand with Flowers
Summary: amazing grace how sweet the sounds of crickets chriping against the winds; it's only when he's drunk do you really love him /Shiki\Neku/


**when we have sex  
you get me closer to gOd**

* * *

She's sitting there on a decaying barf green loveseat, pretty tanned legs crossed like an injian, one arm raised up to the sky gOds, another rubbing her stomach. She's staring aimlessly at the wall, hoping and praying that the world's going to burn out like a fuse.

A radio is playing somewhere in the mobile home, soft music that she can't ever remember hearing before in her life. Her arms are waving along to the music, soul lost in tranquil thoughts, hoping and praying that Angels will come and save her now. The soft music stops, and when it does, her inner eye opens and she regains the little bit of soul she had offered to Father gOd.

She puts her arms down when the preacher demands it, when the voice over the speakers reverberates across the filth and rot of the living room.

Hanekoma speaks out to the lost and damned.

"Children you are beautiful. Made in gOd's light.

"gOd is love, children, gOd is love."

A door opens somewhere, and slams shut with a bang. She doesn't flinch, because she is not scared whenever Hanekoma's voice enters the house. But then his figure stands before her, work clothes perspiring with heat and sweat, a half empty bottle of vodka grasped tightly in one of his fists.

There's a minute of silence as her eyes wander to the bruise at the corner of his forehead. He stands there, half drunk with tears in his eyes.

She screams at him, Him in a comatose stance in front of her, until she breaks free of both Hanekoma's voice and her exalted position on the couch, to kick him in the stomach.

And what a kick it was! Tendons stretch as there is a sound of crashing windpipes. He breaks his grip on the bottle, to fall backwards into a decrepit coffee table. She screams like a banshee when the opened bottle drops to the floor and stains the carpet. The already unidentifiable color of the carpet is slowly stained with cold darkness.

She slowly falls to the floor, knees bending to the carpet as if in worship, as she gingerly picks up the bottle off the ground and places the glass ridges of the top to her lips. Greedily drinking up whatever happens to be inside. And he's moaning on the ground, body hurt from crushing the coffee table clean in half.

She chokes and hiccups through his moans, as Hanekoma's voice ripples across the fetid plaster walls.

"gOd is love, children, gOd is love."

**I want to remember you **  
Once upon a time, they never had a happy ending. Once upon a time, they met somewhere.

Their memories are foggy at best, they met at some party or some bar or some club, somewhere underneath the sun in its finite glory. They had sex the first time they met, that much they can recall, and they were shit drunk, of course, but the frail strand of memory stops there.

Was Neku romantic in the least? Did Shiki ever smile at him with those voluptuous lips? What was their first conversation like? First words uttered?

"Hey babe, you're pretty, I like you. Wanna go fuck?" Neku's drunk when he tries to recall their first meeting. He slurs his words vulgarly, index finger tracing halos in the air, while Shiki, batting her pretty little eyes in an annoyed fashion, refrains from busting his head with a Mr. Piggy doll.

She opts to use one of her sacred candelabras instead.

**I want to hide you**  
Their bedroom is the ugliest place in the mobile home, a dark decrepit lair where Angels lie around and slowly die with the scent of musk and filth in the air. It is an Alter, perpetually hidden from transcending light by blinds made of wasted wood.

The bedroom is only filled with a lone bed where the couple sleeps and a broken mirror sitting atop a once decadent drawer. These and the myriad candelabras Shiki fills the room with, are the only pieces of focal points the altar has to offer back to them.

"Each one represents something," she whispers to him as she slowly lights the candles. Neku doesn't care atop his place on the bed, body only in boxers. He digs himself into blankets that have never been washed, as he reaches over to an adjacent night stand to grab his cheap liquor-branded booze.

"Prayer. Hope. Foundation." She clinks the Zippo she was using shut, to set it aside. Shiki then grabs the candelabra at its base, to slowly carry it over to a night stand adjacent to the bed. It stands regal in the middle of a small army of empty beer cans.

"It's beautiful, no?"

"Fuck no."

**I want to destroy you  
**She rubs her belly as she looks outside of the metallic box.

"Mom, I don't know," She slowly cringes as the nagging voice on the other end of the receiver describes to her how she fucked up her life.

"I don't want it."

**I want to hate you  
**"Fucking bitch," Neku's moaning as tears trickle down his cheeks. His back his hurting like hell as he is surrounded in broken pieces of wood. Shiki pays not the least amount of attention as she tips the bottle to the side, and finishes the last bit of vodka in one gulp.

"Fucking bitch!" mucus runs down his nostrils, right into his mouth, as his face changes a violent red color. Shiki's already done with the bottle, tosses it aside, and begins to suck out any vodka that hasn't evaporated in the summer air out of the carpet.

"Kill me now, you fucking bitch!"

There's anger in his voice as Shiki, for a fraction of a second, realizes what an animal she has become. Shiki remembers that she doesn't care as she stares at his belly, smiles vehemently with demonic teeth at him.

**You get me closer**

They are in bed and apologizing to each other by the time night falls, and, Neku hates to admit it, but she is great in bed when she releases her anger.

He waves it off when his coworkers notice the purple bruise on the corner of his forehead, saying something on the likes of 'I fell at such and such place.'

But when he's drunk, does he reveal it's a sex mark.

"Wow, man, you like it kinky," and Neku smiles at his coworker as he takes another sip from his drink.

**You make me an animal**

The only time Shiki ever drove Neku mad is when she's threatened to kill herself. The word suicide just about pisses Neku off.

He's gone on a verbal tirade about suicide to Shiki. How only cowards and attention seekers go through with. He slapped her once when she went on nagging how worthless she is. Not once or twice, but a whole week of complaining how her life was run down and how she'll never amount to anything.

Neku's apologized afterward, and has said how sorry he was about it, and that he only did it out of love.

Shiki rolled her eyes afterward, and flicked him off.

**You make me feel so lonely**

Shiki is alone again the next morning. She gets out of the bed, takes a shower in the small bathroom they each unfortunately share, and places herself atop the barf green loveseat.

She listens to today's sermon steadfastly, Joshua's voice bleeding out of a secondhand radio.

Shiki does nothing but listen until Neku gets back from his shift. And when he brings back a bottle of booze, does she truly love him.

**I want you  
**Sex is the best thing either of them have. It's the symbol that drives them into each other.

Deep in their Alter of filth, they offer themselves up to each other, defying the gOdS by not wearing a condom.

But it's alright.

Neku's shooting blanks, been shooting them most of his life, so they figure that they should stay away from costly condoms. It saves more on booze, and whatever bills just happen to mosey on over during the month.

Shiki whispers that the experience is more surreal without condoms, that gOd Himself is trying to reach out to her when she orgasms on his penis, and not some plastic cocoon.

"Forget gOd," He moans through his pleasure, as her nails dig like blades into his skin and leave a trail of blood traversing downwards, "I don't take no stock in flying spaghetti monsters."

Shiki smiles at him, groans a little, then reaches over to the nightstand and bashes his head in with a candelabra.

"Religion is the foundation of everything, sweetie."

**I need your protection  
**When he got home that evening, he tosses something at her. Something small and heavy, clothed like a nun, lands on her lap.

"What is it?"

"Don't play stupid, you know what it is."

She unravels the thing, like an archeologist unwrapping a mummy's bandages. Behold the metal body, that the gOdS themselves may be envious! Shiki is slowly touching the body, the curves and markings of true metalwork.

"Where'd you get it?" she whispers into the monstrosity as she strokes the barrel up and down, sensually enough to turn him on.

"None of your business," there's nothing but the chirping of crickets in the room as she stops rubbing the erect metal to send a death glare at him. Shiki points the gun at him.

"Where the fuck did you get it?" Neku stares at the little monster for a second or two, face stoic and world frozen, before his face contorts into a grin. The whole house shudders, for any jovial actions are deemed sacrilegious on these hallow grounds.

"Bitch, you'd think I'd give you a loaded gun," Neku's chuckling, an act that Shiki hasn't seen him do in the years that they've been together. He digs through the pockets of his purple workplace jumpsuit, before he finds something and tosses it on the coffee table. It moans as a small box lands with a thump.

**I hate me  
**There's red blood staining the carpet when Neku gets home. She's drunk and 'playing' doctor with this knife from the kitchen. Neku is pissed off as he slaps the knife away, grabs her by the hair and drags her to the bathroom as she kicks and screams.

She's resisting like a feral animal, clawing at him and biting, as he tries to pour alcohol on her wounds to alleviate some of the cuts.

"I'm worthless!" she screams like a banshee into the air.

Neku tries to keep himself from crying.

**Y o u** g e t **m e** c l o s e r

Shiki is waiting again, when she hears the company car pull up. Deductive reasoning has her evaluating that Neku is back from work.

Five minutes pass by, without Neku making his presence known in the house. Ten minutes pass by, and the house isn't pleased that it has to cancel the nine O' clock verbal abuse it had scheduled. Twenty minutes pass, and it's pissed that it isn't watching the make-up sex.

Shiki, slightly astonished that the ever punctual Neku is late on getting home, walks out the house.

**Y o u** n e e d **m y** p r o t e c t i o n

"I got it from a friend," Shiki rolls her eyes as Neku goes around the coffee table to take a seat with her on the barf green loveseat. Shiki tosses the little monster on the coffee table, as Neku puts his arm around her.

He doesn't smell like booze, which is weird, considering the ritual he always fulfills after work. Trotting on horseback to some joint downtown, where he can get plastered with some of his shallow work friends.

Neku is smiling at her with those auspicious brown eyes. He then puts his hand on her stomach, and starts to rub expectantly.

Oh, how Shiki wants to puke.

_**I h a t e y o u**_  
He's sitting on the plastic steps that lead inside their mobile home, hugging his knees. Shiki opens the screen door, where the sharp edge of the bottom grazes into the back of his purple jumpsuit. He gives no response as she pulls the door inwards, then to only push it forward harder. She can hear the sharp corner tear into his jumpsuit, but still the bastard will. Not. _Move_.

Taking the hint, Shiki pulls it inwards, there's a sound of flesh being torn, and she notices the tear of blood and cloth she had caused. She then proceeds to slowly push it forward, until there's enough space through the wall and door to squeeze her way out.

She sits next to him on the plastic steps. They don't look at each other, don't talk or touch, but merge into one soul and stare at the blissful sky. How the artistic vision of the setting sun turned everything golden with vibrant brushstrokes. They stare at the painting for seconds and minutes and hours, before the sun's paint burns into Neku's skin, and his pale lips break the silence.

"I didn't see them," and Shiki smells the burn of alcohol in his breath as she tries to decipher what he said.

"Didn't see who?" Neku points to the company truck parked idly on a cement driveway, and she bites her lip in disappointment when she sees blood.

_I n e e d y o u r v o i c e  
_At the end of every month, Shiki makes a pilgrimage to the ends of town to visit the city's only functioning payphone. They are too piss poor to pay for their own phone bills, and let's face it, it was a good excuse for Shiki to go out and do something.

She wears something comfortable for the walk, then scouts out her purse before walking out into the burning sun.

The walk is like a film reel steadily going forwards slowly. You can see the scene change around you, but you can do nothing but watch.

It takes half a day to get there, walking through terrains of empty fields and ghetto houses and lands of middle classes houses. Stops at stoplights where you see the buses rush on by, and you wish you can be inside the air-conditioned metal rather than this damn sun.

Then when you get to the higher class joints, window shops with expensive items tug and pull and tease Shiki to buy something, but she has no money to offer.

It's best to look at the ground when walking through the high class area. The film reel stops, and she comes upon a boxed phone booth, a standing relic of the past. She digs through the cheap ninety-nine cent branded bag resting on her hips, fishes out a couple of pieces of metal and fingers them thoughtfully. Shiki shrugs to the sky before depositing them in the coin slot and dialing a number she knows by heart.

On the other end of the line, there's that familiar nagging and disdainful criticism that she is already accustomed to receiving. Shiki bows her head in shame, as she leans the tip of her shoulder against the hot metal as her mother Bitches at her about how she's a sinful slut, living with a man that isn't her husband.

Shiki bites her bottom lip, before she whispers something that finally shuts her mother up.

**uoy evol i  
**"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Shiki's crying crocodile tears in his embrace. He kisses her hair, which smells like booze and sugar and glitter and sex.

"It's okay," he's kissing her forehead.

"I forgive you."

**i'm falling**

Crickets are chirping as Shiki finds herself in his alcohol-ridden embrace as she stares at the ceiling, candles flickering around her, little flames asking to die a noble death rather than suffer in their own juices.

Neku is snoring, as she wonders why she didn't see gOd'S face during sex. Shiki's been losing sight of hIS face. Her loss of gOd has been transgressing slowly every time they've been having sex, Fading Fading Fading. Tonight his presence is gone. His angelic being is gone from the back of her eyes as she orgasmed.

**nothing**

Nothing, nothing. That's all you'll ever be. Nothing, nothing. Shiki's on the verge of crying as she holds the phone to her head. She says her final goodbye, before she slowly puts the phone back on its pedestal. Her mother wasn't done bitching yet.

**i ' m n o t g o n n a c r y**

Shiki dresses up, scantily; a revealing top and skanky shorts. Tonight, Neku works overtime to alleviate some of their bills, and tonight, Shiki will regain her fellowship with gOd.

She walks the streets of the night, purse held tight and location already planned from the getgo, right into the neon lights of the dEvL'S Dominion. There are bouncers in front of the club, fretful Cerberuses guarding the gates of hElL. She smiles at one of them, the one with the shaggy long hair and a persona of cowboy meets cook. He smirks as Shiki's perfumed body rubs against him, as her supple lips touch the tip of his right earlobe. She bats both of her eyes, and the bouncer melts into the air and allows her to pass through Dante's Gates, much to the general dismay of the people waiting out in the cold air.

Inside the club, Shiki dances to the tune of Lilith's departure, hoping someone will give her the time of day.

The boys in the club give her more than the time of day, multitudes of them surround her and give Shiki the promise of sweet nothings and bad romances. They buy her drinks, and tempt her soul with telephone wires that connect to every part of Shiki's coherency. Shiki loses herself to the glitter beasts of the night.

Eventually, Shiki excuses herself to the bathroom, where in one of the poorly kept stalls, she throws up booze and sugar and glitter and sex. Shiki tastes guilt in the back of her throat, as she stares at the green and red vomit separating from the colder waters in the throne room. It's the most beautiful thing Shiki's ever seen, she decides as she exits the stall, walks back to the dance floor, and takes up an offer one of the guys had given her.

He has no identity, just a black and white figure working his way on the dance floor in digits and equations. That's fine, Shiki thinks to herself as the figure shows her the back of his van.

He has no condom, and that's fine too.

**guitly and damned, the**

She tastes guilt at the back of her throat.

**g u i t l y a n d d a m n e d t h e  
**She washes the blood off the hood of the car with hoses that were midly enjoying the burn of the sun. Deep inside the heart of Shiki, she's glad that the community of trash living around her have the good sense to mind their own business. Neku's sitting on the plastic steps leading inside their mobile home, staring into his work boots and concerned weather he stepped on dogshit or not. As soon as he realized he didn't, his mind starts to meander to other things.

Like how do those shit broke Vietnamese children make good shoes.

Shiki takes out a pair of garbage-chic glasses she had deep inside the pockets of her daisy dukes. She walks up to Neku, plants one foot on the second step and poses as seductivly as Lilith holding one of the Apples.

"Gonna treat tonight?" she's smiling at him the way she knows he likes it. Neku doesn't even look at her.

"I wanna turn myself in," his mind is still on the subject of poor shoemakers while Shiki's face contorts into one of malice. She slaps him to his senses.

_glitter on the wet street_

Neku finds her on the floor that night, sobbing that she had been raped. He wants to get a gun to kill the bastard, but Shiki won't give him a name.

_silver **over** everything  
_Neku's driving buzzed. He got out early that workday, early enough to enjoy some hard earned booze in noMAN's land without the thieving bitch to nag at her share of the booty.

There's so much in his mind right now, as the booze makes its way into his bloodstream, turning his brain into a monkey on crack. He's thinking up names in his mind as he drives through the normally busy freeway underpass. It's empty right now, which is good, because it's usually congested and is a pain to get back though without road rage.

Neku's an ugly name. He's got to admit that much since he's despised his parents for giving it to him. Sora is overused, and Riku is just plain stupid.

How about Joshua? Neku smiles as his lips form the name. Eyes locked onto the mirror to see his lips move.

"Jou-shu-ahhhHHH!" Neku tries to swerve to the right as he sees two shadows in front of his car. There's a sickening thud as Neku loses momentary control on the steering wheel. He stops the car, the underpass reverberating in the sound of burning rubber, as he stares soullessly at the steering wheel. He breathes in air as he drives forward.

"Joshua. Joshua. Joshua." His hands are shaking in cold ice as he drives out of the underpass and into the sunlight. His world is incoherent as the scene of a girl and a boy, being crushed to their deaths by his car, plays over and over in his mind.

"Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua. Joshua…"

**death come what may**

She groans as the Figure places his hands on her waist. He pushes, hard, hard, hard, until they both come. Shiki sees a vision, but it is not one she was expecting.

Shiki sees the visages of millions of corpses, hanging over one tree. Maggots festering and eating at their wounds, destroying what little life the corpses have.

The vision is seen by Shiki for a second or two before she screams into the Figure's ears, knocks him off of her, grabs her clothes, and beelines it out of the van.

**my whole existance is you**

It's midnight, the magic hour, as Shiki becomes sober enough to realize Neku's sobs of pain. She regains her humanity by crawling over to his body and slinging one of his arms over her shoulder. He's heavy, but she manages to pick him up out of the coffee table debris. Together, through Neku's pain and Shiki's drunkenness, they traverse in silence from the living room to the hallway to their preferred destination; their bedroom. No candelabras are lit, and there are no lamps in the room; their Alter is hidden in darkness.

But despite that, they know their bedroom well enough to know where the bed is. Shiki goes to one side of the king sized bed, and gently sits Neku down on it. She hears him adjust a position atop the bed, as she walks to the other side, and takes her own position. Shiki lies down with her back against Neku. They lay on the bed in silence for five minutes, until Neku breaks that silence.

"Joshua," His voice is cracking, still weak from his fall. She flips over to him, wishing that the darkness in the room can reveal his face.

"What?"

"I want to name him Joshua," Shiki doesn't want the thing in her belly, but that doesn't mean Neku didn't want it. She doesn't know why, but this time, this place, right here, right now, she wants to make Neku's heart glow. She tells him it's a beautiful name, and her heart glows for a second or two when his had reaches out to hers.

Then she remembers her vision. His hand grows distant in hers, but Neku feels nothing but love.

**You get me closer**

She wakes up amongst Neku's moaning, lost in time during the curse of the morning. There's that sinister feel of grogginess as she reaches over to the nightstand, clinks a Zippo open, and lights a candle.

The light dispels the dark, allowing Shiki to set the Zippo aside and open the nightstand compartment. Inside is the little monster that Neku had given Shiki to protect herself.

Grabbing it, she flicks the barrel to the side to check the ammunition. There are five bullets, lock. Loaded. Ready.

Taking a deep breath, Shiki puts the muzzle in her mouth. Mentally she pulls the trigger, not once, twice, enough times to make sure a zombie's really dead.

But in the real life, nothing's happening. Pointing the gun down, few precious moments of clarity arrive back to her.

So she gets a better idea as the wounded beast on the bed moans in his sleep.

She closes her eyes, as she points the gun at the back of Neku's head.

**I want to fuck you  
(if only for the fraction of a second)  
**Outside, the crickets chirp in tune to the artistic vision of the rising sun. The crickets stop for a second, as gOd's billowing winds reverberate across the untrimmed grass of a mobile home, before they continue as if nothing ever happened.

* * *

_dogot resolc em teg uoy_  
_xes evah ew nehw_

* * *

**disclaimer** )inspiration attributed to _closer to god, _for which the story is named for, by NIN, _love the way lie_ by rhianna and emeniem, lady gaga's little monster motifs and the yeah yeah yeah's _off with your head_(  
**and**  
**concrit greatly appreciated**


End file.
